When Did I See You...?

⁴ He fell to the ground and heard a voice saying to him, “Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?” ⁵ He asked, “Who are you, Lord?” The reply came, “I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting." Acts 9:4-5

These past couple weeks have been the start of Lent and announcement that the 'king' of the Roman Catholic Church is resigning his throne, and a good opportunity for house-cleaning and moral inventory. 

One day, there will be a reckoning, and when Jesus asks us why did we persecute him, will we be able to plead ignorance? Because the king said so, and the king was speaking for God.

Oh, really? Do we honestly believe that? Or do we so want someone telling us what to do, telling us what we did or are doing is okay, that we wanted to believe whatever this person was saying must be right, must be divinely revealed. As long as we defend this person, this position, we're okay.

Reaching down deep, as a Christian is my life driven by the newspaper headline, and by pretty clothes and titles, or by God's will? Because as Jesus said - over and over - we can only serve one Master. Not everyone who says Lord, Lord will enter the kingdom of heaven.

Et cetera.

Will our excuses for seeking God in a palace made by human hands hold up? When we know better. We have been warned.

"Truly I tell you, just as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me."

While I fully believe in praying to and with saints and that visible images are useful, not if any of these things help me to remain woefully blind, as Saul was, to the things that really matter. To the people that really matter. Not if we start to think for one second that God is like a human ruler who will be flattered by our praise into making special exceptions.

When it just ain't like that. As I know perfectly well. God does not even make exceptions for Himself, let alone for us, not because God wants to be hard on us, but because He knows we can do better and wants all the best that life has to offer, for all of us, including me, and including 'the least of these.'

Forever. For all eternity. Really. He means it.

Feeling Like a "Real" Writer

Two minor victories in my writing week: got second place at Fantasy-Writers.org and passed the first round for Amazon ABNA. I almost feel like a real writer.

On the dark side of the moon, I'm reading the first couple chapters of my novel and thinking - oh wow, I wish I'd written that differently. Too late now. Let's say my truly wild and wonderful dreams come true, do I want those words to be associated with my name?

There are these boring, stilted, overly wordy words and *I* sent them out in the world with *my* name associated with them. NOO!!

This month, when I'm not reading and commenting, I'm working on a story about an inter-dimensional love affair. It's coming out flat, unnecessarily tangled and boring - and I don't believe it. I don't care if I think it sucks though. Come February 28th I'll still submit it.

Like with anything in life, there is that point where it just has to be good enough. The submission deadline comes. You realize - okay, time to hit send, to put that manuscript in the mail, to say "I do."

It will never be perfect. I'll never be absolutely certain. But I have to act as if I were ready, have to pretend like I know what the hell I'm doing. Because otherwise, maybe books would be written, stories would be told, by some other, hypothetical person. But, they would never been written or told by me.

And this is what I really want to do. To be a writer. I wonder if famous, New York Time bestseller authors ever feel this way, agonizing over their word-choice from their summer home near the beach. I could live with that.

...And I am deceived

You know your life is going to be interesting when you go on retreat and after telling your director you are discerning your vocation - and at least some people say WHAT? That's NOT GOD. She wisely and quietly assigns Jeremiah 20:7-18.

I'm a bad former Protestant. I'm not one of those people who knows what exactly is in every part of the Bible. I think of Jeremiah and think - okay, so he did whine a bit but mostly it was uplifting - I have a plan for you says the Lord, a plan to prosper you, et cetera.

I forgot about this passage that ends colorfully with Jeremiah cursing the day he was born, oh AND the announcement of his birth AND his father for not killing him in the womb.

It would be better not live at all than to hear in your own judgment of evil, a death knell upon your own soul, and wonder if I'm choosing to not just talk about only nice and happy things. Maybe I enjoy the repeated, random detours into the Negativity Zone.
But.

Sometimes things are bad, and that needs to be confronted, honestly.

Like Jeremiah, I feel deceived. God tricked me. He told me He had a plan and was going to give me a good life - and I believed it, in my own finite human limited way.

Because, I honestly thought all of this was going to go very differently. I thought there were some things that were just not possible, or that were just necessary and I was kind of okay with that until the winnowing fork went deep into my soul, where it was NOT okay, evidently
And now what can I do? Walk away from Jesus, from the Father because what they've asked is hard? Impossible even? Like that has ever helped anyone, to tell God what He *can't* do. Right.

I don't hate men, and don't want to attack the human race, just trying to figure out how to say - you started it. Not as a matter of blame. But because I'm literally powerless to end a war I never wanted. As every woman who has been in that kind of relationship knows you reach a point where you either say things 'picking me up and throwing me bodily out of the house is wrong and needs to stop' or leaving the relationship altogether, because there are intractable problems NOT being resolved with violence. If you really love the guy, and I really love these men - you have to say STOP and LISTEN TO ME.

I'm not trying to say women are better, but that both are equal, that man is NOT superior to woman,even if stronger physically and fiscally and intellectually (due to superior education). That does not make oppression okay or God-ordained.

And then it really doesn't help that I'm not a political activist. I have no idea how one goes about saying such things and tend to get annoyed by that kind of thing and sort of hope this won't mean having to carry a sign.

Honestly, among other things, I'd much, much, much rather be playing LOTRO or reading Asimov or some good manga than talking or thinking about human rights which is the province of people among other things MUCH better than me. Why is God telling ME about this?

I feel as if God invited me to Him for fellowship, to be His baby girl, and tricked me - because oh by the way, child of God does NOT just mean being docile in the corner seen and not heard.

Duh. That's why they nailed Jesus to a cross after beating him to near death. Forgot that part.

Anne

Waiting and Reading

So, I have a  novel and a short story submitted for contests and while I'm waiting on the results, and doing things like laundry and school work, I'm getting caught up on reading and critiquing other people's work.

I can see the wisdom in honoring those who have come before us, what they have to say.

And at no moment do I feel that more intensely than in these in between times. As creative, introspective people there is something difficult and hard - but necessary and welcome - about reading what others have to say, and saying things which are not always 'nice.' None of us want to be the proverbial master who is so insecure that we spend this in between time 'hating' on other people. It goes without saying that we learn, and benefit from, those things which bother us.

As always, when in the presence of another person, let alone asked to comment on what they have written, it is an opportunity to first of all appreciate how precious that is.  And second, to act like the proverbial wise steward, who knows that first and foremost which must give respect and live in respect if we are ever going to get any ourselves. I have to put aside the pride that sees only my world of which I am the visible center. I need to acknowledge that others are probably thinking similar thoughts from within their own universe of which they are the visible center.

Thoughts like, wow that was great - I wish I could have thought of that. And wow, I made that same mistake and as I'm pointing it out I wish I hadn't done that too. Or, I'm not sure if that works or how I feel about that yet, but it touched me deeply for some reason, or it made me laugh and I'm not sure it was supposed to. So, I'm not sure if I should SAY that made me laugh and if so, if my tone should be apologetic or congratulatory. Hm...

Or (the first thought on my mind when presuming to critique anyone) I really wish I'd spent more time during that block I set aside to work on my writing to actually (gasp) work on my writing rather than getting distracted looking at funny pictures on Facebook. Then MAYBE I'd be a better writer right now and not write bizarre critiques that make no sense in ordinary human-comprehensible English.

And - last but not least - oo, Squirrel. (Seriously there are these hyperactively acrobatic squirrels right outside my window and every now and again I think the tree is about to collapse or something. This is very distracting.)

We're all human here. I think. (Hm, and for this month's challenge on fantasy-writers.org, we're supposed to write about two people who are in love but don't know one another's true identity. That could be interesting.)

Anne