...And I am deceived

You know your life is going to be interesting when you go on retreat and after telling your director you are discerning your vocation - and at least some people say WHAT? That's NOT GOD. She wisely and quietly assigns Jeremiah 20:7-18.

I'm a bad former Protestant. I'm not one of those people who knows what exactly is in every part of the Bible. I think of Jeremiah and think - okay, so he did whine a bit but mostly it was uplifting - I have a plan for you says the Lord, a plan to prosper you, et cetera.

I forgot about this passage that ends colorfully with Jeremiah cursing the day he was born, oh AND the announcement of his birth AND his father for not killing him in the womb.

It would be better not live at all than to hear in your own judgment of evil, a death knell upon your own soul, and wonder if I'm choosing to not just talk about only nice and happy things. Maybe I enjoy the repeated, random detours into the Negativity Zone.
But.

Sometimes things are bad, and that needs to be confronted, honestly.

Like Jeremiah, I feel deceived. God tricked me. He told me He had a plan and was going to give me a good life - and I believed it, in my own finite human limited way.

Because, I honestly thought all of this was going to go very differently. I thought there were some things that were just not possible, or that were just necessary and I was kind of okay with that until the winnowing fork went deep into my soul, where it was NOT okay, evidently
And now what can I do? Walk away from Jesus, from the Father because what they've asked is hard? Impossible even? Like that has ever helped anyone, to tell God what He *can't* do. Right.

I don't hate men, and don't want to attack the human race, just trying to figure out how to say - you started it. Not as a matter of blame. But because I'm literally powerless to end a war I never wanted. As every woman who has been in that kind of relationship knows you reach a point where you either say things 'picking me up and throwing me bodily out of the house is wrong and needs to stop' or leaving the relationship altogether, because there are intractable problems NOT being resolved with violence. If you really love the guy, and I really love these men - you have to say STOP and LISTEN TO ME.

I'm not trying to say women are better, but that both are equal, that man is NOT superior to woman,even if stronger physically and fiscally and intellectually (due to superior education). That does not make oppression okay or God-ordained.

And then it really doesn't help that I'm not a political activist. I have no idea how one goes about saying such things and tend to get annoyed by that kind of thing and sort of hope this won't mean having to carry a sign.

Honestly, among other things, I'd much, much, much rather be playing LOTRO or reading Asimov or some good manga than talking or thinking about human rights which is the province of people among other things MUCH better than me. Why is God telling ME about this?

I feel as if God invited me to Him for fellowship, to be His baby girl, and tricked me - because oh by the way, child of God does NOT just mean being docile in the corner seen and not heard.

Duh. That's why they nailed Jesus to a cross after beating him to near death. Forgot that part.

Anne